For most of my adult life, I’ve had the ability to walk into a room full of strangers and strike up a conversation with just about anyone.

Now, at 68, whenever I walk into a room nothing happens.

Nothing!

I’ve become invisible.

And I’m not the only one. Friends—women in my age group—have told me the same thing. No heads turn to greet us. No one smiles from across the room. No one seems to notice us at all.

Studies show that after 49 the attention strangers pay to women plummets.

Israeli-American writer Ayelet Waldman was interviewed as she approached her 50^th birthday. “I have a big personality, and I have a certain level of professional competence, and I’m used to being taken seriously professionally,” she said. “And suddenly, it’s like I just vanished from the room. And I have to yell so much louder to be seen. . . I just want to walk down the street and have someone notice that I exist.”

This invisibility can be exhasperating. Recently, I was at an event in San Diego. Dinner and drinks were part of the festivities, which generally leads to myriad conversations. But as I walked among the other guests, looking for some geniality, people turned away. I promise you, I’d bathed and was dressed appropriately, and still…nothing.

Occasionally, some older women do get recognized. Take Martha Stewart’s recent foray into posing in a bathing suit on the cover of Sports Illustrated. At 81, the former queen of homemaking was poured into various swimsuits, artfully draped, and air brushed to perfection. I guess we’re supposed to be impressed that the magazine known for showcasing young, rapier-thin women with big breasts and flat stomachs, gave a nod toward the more mature crowd. Still, I think I’d be more impressed with Stewart’s spread if she’d been allowed to actually look, you know, older. While she claims to have foregone plastic surgery, the photos have clearly been run through photoshop and numerous other magic filters, because there isn’t an 80-year-old alive with that kind of flawless skin. Is the assumption that SI readers would turn away if Stewart actually looked her age? Or, even worse, they’d just ignore the whole endeavor?

Note that the problem of invisibility is not just about our egos. There are real world implications to aging. In The Atlantic article “The Invisibility of Older Women,” Akiko Busch said, “The invisible woman might be the actor no longer offered roles after her 40th birthday, the 50-year-old woman who can’t land a job interview, or the widow who finds her dinner invitations declining with the absence of her husband.”

I can relate to the 40-year-old actor. When I was pushing 40, I was suddenly unable to find a TV sports reporting job, even though I’d worked for five stations, including ESPN where I’d anchored SportsCenter. The problem? The sports target audience is 18-to-34 year old males, and once a woman exceeds that boundry the idea is men will no longer watch. (Note that while you will see some “older” female sports reporters today, the pendulum remains mostly stuck on the side of youth and beauty.)

So, what can we do? Helen Dennis offered some advice in her Los Angeles Daily News article “How older women can combat feeling invisible or unseen in social situations.”

1. Be interested & interesting
2. Use humor
3. Stay current about world events
4. Show interest in others; make appropriate conversation
5. Dress well and age appropriately
6. Take an interest in people who are younger and older than yourself
7. Stay curious about life
8. Respect your life and stay engaged
9. Engage in conversation with wallflowers
10. Always speak kindly of others and avoid gossip

While that seems like a lot of effort, women still in the business world need to stay relevent, if they want to climb the work ladder. But for those of us who are retired, maybe all we need is a mental reset. I sometimes think of actors like Jamie Lee Curtis and Kate Winslett, both of whom have battled the Hollywood beauty and age police. Then there’s the brilliant Maggie Smith who has no qulams about showing her age. And the incomperable Frances McDormand who looks straight into the camera barefaced, daring viewers to see her for who she is.

Taking their example, here’s hoping we regular folks can someday walk into a room with the same strength and determination, so we might force those around us to not look away.

Anne Montgomery’s novels can be found wherever books are sold.

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