Tag: family

Talking to myself and feelin’…fine

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The massive station wagon my family traveled in during the 1960s, much like this one, meant we kids could hide in the back and drive our parents crazy. Often, my father was reduced to talking to himself.

I recall traveling in the back of a baby-blue station wagon, a behemoth that I and my two siblings would pile into for what my father once referred to as, “the goddamned family vacation.”

Apparently, we kids squabbled a lot on those trips, and as many of those in my age group know, there was a lot of, “If you don’t stop, I’m turning this car around!” going on.

But there was something else happening, as well. When we kids were worn out from fighting, and all was relatively quiet, we would notice that my father would often mumble to himself. One of us would call out. “Dad! Who are you talking to!” Then we’d all giggle.

I don’t recall him ever telling us who his mystery friend was, but I do remember laughing at him.

Today, I’m reconsidering my behavior.

“Who are you talking to?” my sweetie pie called when I was slicing fruit in the kitchen.

I bit my lower lip. Who indeed?

After locating my reporter’s cap and doing some checking, I determined that muttering and saying random things out loud could be a sign of a mental health issue, like schizophrenia. And while studies show that 96% of people carry on an internal dialogue, just one in four admit to talking out loud. But don’t worry. For most of us, it’s a normal cognitive process, one that can help us reduce stress, improving our problem-solving skills, and help us organize our thoughts and feelings.

We talk to ourselves for a number of reasons. It helps us debate ideas, make decisions, and serve as a pep talk when we need one. Interestingly, talking to ourselves can also curb loneliness.

What is important is what we’re saying in those conversations with ourselves. According to Psychology Today, “The content of your self-talk is important because, believe it or not, you are the most influential person, in your head. Yes, other people can certainly influence the way we feel and think, but at the end of the day, we are the ones who accept or reject the messages received from others.”

The idea is your conversations with you should be the kind that build you up not tear you down.

There can be a certain stigma to talking to yourself, but today, with people everywhere conversing via Bluetooth, I’m guessing few even notice those of us who are chatting with no one nearby. And when you consider that the habit is said to be a healthy problem-solving tactic, I say talk away.

I just wish my father was still around so I could apologize for laughing.

“Sorry, Dad.”

Your Forgotten Sons

Inspired by a true story

Anne Montgomery

Bud Richardville is inducted into the Army as the United States prepares for the invasion of Europe in 1943. A chance comment has Bud assigned to a Graves Registration Company, where his unit is tasked with locating, identifying, and burying the dead. Bud ships out, leaving behind his new wife, Lorraine, a mysterious woman who has stolen his heart but whose secretive nature and shadowy past leave many unanswered questions. When Bud and his men hit the beach at Normandy, they are immediately thrust into the horrors of what working in a graves unit entails. Bud is beaten down by the gruesome demands of his job and losses in his personal life, but then he meets Eva, an optimistic soul who despite the war can see a positive future. Will Eva’s love be enough to save him?

Release Date: June 6, 2024

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A teacher’s tale: Foster care gave me a family I never expected

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Thanks to the foster care system, I became a mom at 55. Today my son Brandon has also given me a grandson, Adrian.

Fifteen years ago, a small frightened boy called me. “I’m hungry,” he said.

Now let me backtrack a bit.

I taught in a Title I high school for 20 years, a designation signifying that a large segment of the student population lives below the poverty line. As you might expect, the hardships are many and can have life-long ramifications. Consider substandard housing, lack of child care, homelessness, gangs, hunger, neglect, addiction, unsafe neighborhoods, and underfunded schools.

As a teacher, I learned to consider what might be happening in the lives of the children I served. I and many of my fellow educators understood that a student who hadn’t slept or eaten or bathed might put the idea of completing homework on time way down the list of important things to do. So, we addressed those issues when we could.

Understandably, we worried about our students, especially as summer break approached. Some of our kids had little food at home, which during the school year we supplemented with free breakfast and lunch and a pantry where they could get food boxes, when needed. I also struggled with the idea that ten weeks of unstructured living might lead children to take risky chances. With that in mind, I always put my phone number on the board on the last day of school.

“If you find yourself in a tough situation and don’t know what to do, call me,” I told my students. “I’ll help you if I can.”

When Brandon phoned that day, he started me on a journey I could have never anticipated. He’d been placed in foster care and was living in a group home. Note here that few people want to take in teenagers, especially boys. As you might expect, many are only interested in babies and toddlers, so older kids often languish in the system.

Here is where I’ll mention that I was never able to have biological children, an issue that plagued me for a decade or so, but by my mid-fifties when I got that call I had long given up on ever being a mom. Then, in what felt like an instant, a hungry child had me considering the empty bedrooms in my home. I called foster care, was directed to Foster Mom School—Yep it’s a thing.—and two weeks later that frightened boy was delivered to my doorstep.

The foster care system gave me a family I never expected. Here are my grandson Adrian and my boys Brandon and Troy.

Was it easy? No! The trauma that puts a child into foster care, as well as a system that pushes kids from home-to-home, leave an indelible mark. I often hear people say that if you love a child enough everything will be fine, but that is simply not the case. That said, I am eternally grateful for the the heroes who taught those foster-parent classes, the social workers who kept tabs on me and Brandon, and the psychologists who helped us sort out our differences.

Fifteen years ago a frightened child moved into my home. Now, Brandon will soon be 30 and is a father himself. A grown man who continually makes me proud. I must mention here that Brandon started me on a track that would eventually have seven young people live in my home. Though they were not all legal foster children, every one of them was in need of a spot to tread water, a place to calmly figure out where they were going, and then make that jump into the world.

Today, I am immensely grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to participate in these young lives. Like any parent, I watch them from a front row seat and marvel at their sucesses. And I have assured them that no matter how grown up they become, I’ll be here for them.

I must admit that I never expected to find such joy in being called “Mom”. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

Your Forgotten Sons

Inspired by a true story

Anne Montgomery

Bud Richardville is inducted into the Army as the United States prepares for the invasion of Europe in 1943. A chance comment has Bud assigned to a Graves Registration Company, where his unit is tasked with locating, identifying, and burying the dead. Bud ships out, leaving behind his new wife, Lorraine, a mysterious woman who has stolen his heart but whose secretive nature and shadowy past leave many unanswered questions. When Bud and his men hit the beach at Normandy, they are immediately thrust into the horrors of what working in a graves unit entails. Bud is beaten down by the gruesome demands of his job and losses in his personal life, but then he meets Eva, an optimistic soul who despite the war can see a positive future. Will Eva’s love be enough to save him?

Release Date: June 6, 2024

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Bookstores, libraries, and other booksellers can order copies directly from the Ingram Catalog.

Anne Montgomery’s novels can be found wherever books are sold.

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Summer Camp: Sign your kids up and let them go

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When I was eight years old my mother announced that I would be going to summer camp for two weeks. I don’t recall being asked if I wanted to go to Girl Scout Camp. It was just a pronouncement. A short time later, I was placed on a bus with a bunch of other girls and whisked away.

I mention this because I just watched a network TV anchor interview a child psychologist about sending children off to camp.

“You need to reassure your child that everything will be okay,” the nice psychologist said. “Tell them it’s okay to be nervous. Talk to them about their worries.”

I squinted at the television and tried to remember if my mother addressed any fears my eight-year-old self might have harbored. And, no, she did not.

I decided to look into this preparing-children-for-camp thing, and boy is the process exhausting: Discuss your child’s concerns. Visit camp ahead of time. Talk with camp staff, past campers and parents of past campers. Teach coping skills. Run through the camp’s bedtime routine. Discuss what food will be served and the meal schedule. Look at pictures of the camp. Talk about the various activities available. Consider a pre-camp sleepover with a friend or other family member.

I’ll stop there, but the list goes on. I considered whether my parents ever talked to me and my two siblings about camp, but if they did the conversation eludes me. It was just a family given that every summer the three of us would board busses for various locations and leave home. For eight years I headed off to camp, my tour expanding to a month after that first year.

In case you’re wondering, I loved every moment of it. Camp was the highlight of my year. Then, when I turned 17 and was nearing the age of some of the counselors, it was clear I was getting too old to be a camper. I wept at the thought of never returning to beautiful Eagle Island in Saranac Lake, New York and today, at 70, my time there remains among my most cherished memories.

Here’s the thing. Children need to go off on their own. They need to be in a place without Mommy and Daddy where they can make new friends and try new things. And wouldn’t it be great if they went to a camp where they were asked to put away their phones and tablets? (Yes, I know there are science camps where screens are part of the program, but I think you get my point.)

Going away to camp teaches children lifelong skills. They learn to rely on their own decision making, develop resilience and independence, and hone leadership and social skills, all of which come in handy when they become adults.

So start talking up the merits of summer camp when you’re kids are young. Get them used to the idea early and, of course, do all those other things the psychologist mentioned if it makes you feel better.

Then…let them go.

Your Forgotten Sons

Inspired by a true story

Anne Montgomery

Bud Richardville is inducted into the Army as the United States prepares for the invasion of Europe in 1943. A chance comment has Bud assigned to a Graves Registration Company, where his unit is tasked with locating, identifying, and burying the dead. Bud ships out, leaving behind his new wife, Lorraine, a mysterious woman who has stolen his heart but whose secretive nature and shadowy past leave many unanswered questions. When Bud and his men hit the beach at Normandy, they are immediately thrust into the horrors of what working in a graves unit entails. Bud is beaten down by the gruesome demands of his job and losses in his personal life, but then he meets Eva, an optimistic soul who despite the war can see a positive future. Will Eva’s love be enough to save him?

Release Date: June 6, 2024

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Amazon

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Bookstores, libraries, and other booksellers can order copies directly from the Ingram Catalog.

Anne Montgomery’s novels can be found wherever books are sold.

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Finding Bud: Following a damaged trail

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When my dear friend Gina Liparoto asked me to tell the story of her uncle “Bud” Richardville, a soldier who served in the Graves Registration Service in World War II, I didn’t realize the difficulties I would face in ferreting out who Bud was and what had happened to him.

The years leading up to Bud’s service in the U.S. Army, as well as his marrige to the enigmatic Lorraine, were pieced together in part thanks to the memories of surviving family members. Gina, who grew up hearing stories about her mother’s rakish older brother, contributed accounts of Bud’s poverty-stricken youth in Vincennes Indiana, where the Great Depression had yet to retract it’s spidery reach.

Gina also provided me with a packet of letters that Bud had written to relatives and which had been lovingly protected over the years, writings that helped me glimpse the man who never came home.

The big problem came when I tried to track Bud’s trail through the carnage of World War II. My first thought was to locate Bud’s military records, but I soon discovered that in 1973 a massive fire raged through the National Personnel Records Center in St. Louis, destroying approximately 17 million official military personnel files. The records for servicemen and women who had been discharged between 1912 and 1960 were wiped away, the flames consuming 80% of the Army’s archives.

My only option for discovering where Bud’s service took him was through the postmarks on his fragile letters, which listed the dates and locations from which the mail was sent. While the process was probably not exact, I was able to confidently follow Bud through his induction at Camp Warren in Wyoming, his posting outside of London as he and the other Allied troops waited for D-Day, and the horrors of the landing at Normandy. Though censors forbade the discussion of anything war-related in letters home, those postmarks indicated that Bud was most likely at the Battle of the Bulge, at multiple locations throughout France and Germany, and with General George Patton on his charge to liberate Czechoslovakia from the Nazis.

During my research, I could find almost nothing written about those who served alongside Bud in the GRS, where men were tasked with locating, identifying and burying the dead, their efforts—with the exception of the elegant cemeteries they left behind—seemingly ignored by history. Then, I discovered the eyewitness account of Lt. Col. Joseph James Shomon, who, as a captain, served two years in the GRS in the European Theater and wrote about his experiences in the book Crosses in the Wind. I will be forever grateful for Shomon’s memories which allowed me to see those in the GRS clearly. Ultimately, I took literary license with some of the situations in which I placed Bud and his men by utilizing the events Shomon shared.

Though Your Forgotten Sons tells the story of Bud Richardville, it is my hope that readers will remember all those who toiled in the GRS, soldiers who worked tirelessly to gave the fallen the respect and honor they deserved as they were gently laid to rest.

Your Forgotten Sons

Inspired by a true story

Anne Montgomery

Bud Richardville is inducted into the Army as the United States prepares for the invasion of Europe in 1943. A chance comment has Bud assigned to a Graves Registration Company, where his unit is tasked with locating, identifying, and burying the dead. Bud ships out, leaving behind his new wife, Lorraine, a mysterious woman who has stolen his heart but whose secretive nature and shadowy past leave many unanswered questions. When Bud and his men hit the beach at Normandy, they are immediately thrust into the horrors of what working in a graves unit entails. Bud is beaten down by the gruesome demands of his job and losses in his personal life, but then he meets Eva, an optimistic soul who despite the war can see a positive future. Will Eva’s love be enough to save him?

Release Date: June 6, 2024

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Anne Montgomery’s novels can be found wherever books are sold.

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Parents: Please rethink those school-year vacations

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Vacations are fun, but if you’re planning to take your kids out of school for one, you might want to reconsider.

A story on the news the other day had me reaching for heavy objects to throw at the TV. The reporter was interviewing two sets of parents, both of whom thought it was just peachy to remove their kids from school to take family vacations.

I wanted to scream!

Now, before I express my concerns, please note that I understand taking a few days off in the event of a death or family illness, but the idea of dragging the kids to Disney World or Six Flags for some family fun—which is what the parents were suggesting—when the kids should be in school is just plain dumb.

Both mothers explained that since prices at the theme parks drop after summer, taking their offspring out of school should be perfectly fine. One even suggested that keeping children on a school schedule is too difficult, one that leads to their little darlings becoming bored. “Kids just going to school and home and back and forth gets really repetitive.”

So you know where my allegiance lies and in the interest of full disclosure note that I spent 20 years running a classroom. And I sometimes faced students who casually informed  me that they would be gone for a week or two because of a party or wedding. I knew what the extended absence meant for them and me. Said child would fall behind and it would be my job to catch them up.

If the student in question was on top of their studies and they agreed to take work with them on vacation, often the damage would be negligible. But, more often than not, the student would already be behind, mostly because of already missing too many school days, which is the natural outcome when school isn’t considered a priority. When adults make education secondary to vacations, children get the point loud and clear.

When you take your child out of school for a family vacation, it’s the teacher who has to get them caught up on the work they missed.

Here’s where I hear folks saying, “Parents know what’s best for their kids!” But I can’t help but opine that it’s the parents who are bored and are projecting their feelings onto their children.

School is a time to grow and discover what we’re good at, which hopefully leads to a career we enjoy. The daily schedule also prepares young people for life in the business world. Or at least it should. I recall my daughter with a sour look on her face when she discovered that when one has a fulltime job there are generally no summer vacations. Or fall, winter, and spring breaks.

“That’s not fair,” she said with a pout.

Sigh…

The thing is…children see what adults do and copy their behavior. If the parents instill the idea that school is of secondary importance to a fun vacation or family party, the kids will grow up with that attitude.

So, parents, please give that family fling at Disneyland a second thought if it’s during the school year. If not for your child for their teacher. Because, as I mentioned, it’s those of us who helm a classroom who have to scramble to pick up the pieces of your child’s education when you trot them off to ride roller coasters instead of being in school.

Anne Montgomery’s novels can be found wherever books are sold.

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