It might surprise those who know me that I didn’t always spend my days in shorts and T-shirts. (Of course, when the temperature plunges below 80 degrees, I swap out those shorts for some pants and that T for a sweatshirt. Living in the desert tends to make one a wimp in the cold.) The point is that I am not a frilly kind of girl.

However, several decades back, when I plied my trade in front of a TV camera as a sportscaster, it did matter what I wore, so much so that I was periodically examined by consultants whose job it was to hate my clothes, hair, makeup, and jewelry, so they could rid me of my bad taste and solidify the need for their opinions on my sartorial choices.

I mention this because, while the idea of dressing up today gives me hives, I do have a clue about what styles look good and which do not. So I will now elaborate on current trends that, well, I just don’t understand.

Take the baggy shirt that has just a small bit tucked in in front. What’s the point there? Why not just wear a shorter shirt, or a button down that’s open in the front, or a jacket, or a good old-fashioned cardigan?

“That’s to give one a sense of curves,” a saleswomen patiently explained when I questioned the look in a dressing room. “You know, to show off one’s waist.”

As someone who has never had much of a waist—I tend to go straight down, a condition my mother pointed out when I was about 14, when she exclaimed, “You’re built just like your father!” A rather confusing remark for an adolescent girl, but I digress.

Tucking in the front of a shirt would never give me a waist, but it did point out yet another strange fashion trend: pants with prominent belt loops but no belt. Everywhere one looks today there are men and women rocking beltless belt loops. Despite my lack of a waist, I used to like belts. Especially western-style, black-and-silver belts, but that accoutrement has vanished. I read belts are making a comeback, but the general public seems not to have caught on yet, leaving me to wonder just how people are holding up their pants.

And speaking of pants, how is it that “mom” jeans are all the rage. Just a few years back, those navel-hugging pants opened one up to mockery. But now, young women are sashaying about in those high-waisted, straight-legged jeans like they just invented them.

Then there are shorts, which I’ve pilloried before. I almost lost my mind on a hunt for shorts after finding nothing but miniscule ones, often with frayed edges and intentional rips, material that couldn’t possibly cover an average bum, and which women in their fifties and sixties are wearing. (Sorry, ladies, but the visions of you from behind are permanently burned into my retinas.)

And women’s fashion aren’t the only ones that have me wondering. What’s with all the men wearing brown shoes with blue suits? Watch any TV news show and just about every guy is combining colors that should not be mixed. And when did plaid suits become all the rage? As an Irish-American girl who grew up in kilts, I feel that is wear plaid belongs. All those tartan suits are giving me a headache.

I could go on, pointing out the ridiculous lengths to which false eyelashes and fingernails have gone, but I guess there have always been strange fashion trends. I’m still trying to wrap my head around those 17^th century “hot” guys who favored long flowing powdered wigs, white stockings, knee britches, and funny little shoes. (For some strange reason I’ve tried to envision Jason Mamoa in such attire, but I can’t seem to get it right, and perhaps that’s for the best.)

All that said, fashions will keep changing if for no other reason than designers need to keep selling stuff. So all of you, have at it.

Now, where are my shorts and T-shirt?

Anne Montgomery’s novels can be found wherever books are sold.

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